Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Going Through Depression

I don't know why, but I am feeling very down today. Jessica and Edna both did their best to get me out of it. No luck. We've had no more problems with ice and snow, so the weather can't be the cause.

I just did not feel like getting out of bed this morning. Have you ever had dreams so wonderful, you did not want to wake up because that would mean the end of the dream?

I really can't complain. I am well off financially, I now have a beautiful and caring girlfriend who loves me, a fantastic housemaid, 2 beautiful horses I love to ride and just spend time with, a gorgeous dog and a few wonderful rescue cats. What more could a man want?

Well, after several bottles of wine I feel gutsy enough to tell you.

I saw HER again.... I have been seeing her in my mirrors since I was.... well, since I can remember. She is just as much a part of my life as my own mother. She is just an illusion, I know. Though I have no idea what is wrong with my brain that I see the same woman over and over again. I have been to psychiatrists, I have been tested for all sorts of brain anomalies. Nothing has been found.

It's not just SEEING her, either... it's the feelings that come along with her image! Like I know her, yet we never met.

This really messes me up!

Don't tell me to seek help... I have. No one has an answer!

On a brighter note I got Jess to take a pole dancing class. hahahaha

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Another Tour Bus Crash

Though it was a ski team and not a rock band, I saw on the news that there was a deadly tour bus crash in VT today. It brought back memories of my own crash, not all that long ago. And I felt myself on the verge of a panic attack. I remember little, other than flying out of my bunk and the sudden pain in my head as I hit a counter..or another bunk. I do not recall. I saw people above me, saying my name, but they were in a tunnel and seemed a million miles away. Then all went black.

I touched the location of the wound, at the hairline, and could feel the bump of the permanent scar there. Though by now all the healing was done, the emotional memories were clear. And reading about this tour bus crash brought it all back.

We start a new tour in a few weeks. At least it will be spring when there's less worry about black ice and snow squalls. I can't wait to get on the road. Most women just want to know if I'm available for sex that night, not if my delusions are real!

At least no one died in our tour bus incident. 

Communication and its Necessity

So... I had a long talk with Jessica today. I explained to her that what I said was the truth. I really do see this Mirror Lady.... it's random, but it's been happening my entire life. Maybe I am mentally ill, I don't know. But when I see her, I can't control the emotions. I become lost and confused. I feel things I am not accustomed to feeling.

She forgave me last night's discrepancy. I can't blame her for having trouble understanding. Would you? I took her out for a fancy dinner so we could talk in public, over a nice setting. I was so nervous, I could barely eat. I really like Jess, and want her to be happy.

I swore to her it is all true. I am still not sure if she believes me or not. She said she believed that I believed it... isn't that a euphemism for "I don't really believe you, I think you are nuts"???

Since we arrived home, I have had 3 bottles of wine and 2 slippery nipples. I know.... I drink too much. Kinda hard to avoid when you see one woman in your mirrors and a "real" women is right there in front of you...ready to have a life with you. I feel like I am being torn in 2 directions. Ripped in half. Trust me, it is not a good feeling.

It will be nice to get away on tour and leave all this bullshit behind me. Plenty of women on tour... None that have expectations beyond the carnal!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Truth or Dare?

I rolled over this morning and Jessica wasn't there. I felt something was wrong, so I got up, threw on my robe (by the time I get up, Edna is there. Though she has caught me in some of the most awkward of situations, I never deliberately prance around the house in my birthday suit).

I found Jessica in the parlor, tinkering on my grand piano. She plays quite well and I help her learn whenever I can. She stopped playing when she saw me.

Then she told me that Edna had talked to her, told her the Lady in the Mirror thing was real... at least in MY mind! Edna is one of the few I have ever told this secret to (and now to anyone who reads this blog)... Edna knows the whole truth and all the details behind it, so she was able to convince Jess that it's pretty normal for me to drink a LOT after I see this girl. Wouldn't you??

I once thought I was schizophrenic, so I went to a psychiatrist. Other than having bouts depression ...and withdrawal from people... that sometimes accompany the "delusion," I really had no sign that I was schizophrenic. So, I withdraw away and drink!

I don't think Jess  believes me... But then, no one does. They still think it's some sort of mental illness that creates delusions of this woman I see at random times in mirrors. But, nothing solid has ever been concluded. And she does NOT go away with drinking, or drugs. I have seen her when I was smashed, high, about to pass out from whatever drug I had used that day (No, I don't do any drugs like that anymore. I have enough issues... Nowadays, it's wine and lighter liquors (some call me a "chick-drink drunk"). I limit myself to 2 bottles a day of a light wine when I am working. No heavy alcohol, maybe a bit of weed. No heavy stuff. I figure I will live longer that way.

Anyway, Jessica and I had a long talk. I told her the truth about having seen this delusion since I can remember, so it can't be attributed to substance abuse of any kind.

She asked me, "why didn't you tell me this earlier?"
I said back, "Would you have believed me?"

So, it looks like all is forgiven. I wonder if she thinks I am crazy. Join the club, Jessica.

Friday, February 21, 2014

In Trouble with the Gal

What is it with women? I think I am in trouble with Jess.  It's really not my fault. After rehearsals and 10 hours of work preparing for the Spring Tour, I was absolutely exhausted. I came home and just wanted a bit of rest, a reprieve. Jess had dinner made (I guess Edna has been teaching her my favorite dishes, but unfortunately there was no tuna sandwich available)... Speaking of tuna and off the topic a bit... have you ever ridden Amtrak trains? I kid you not, they have the BEST tuna sandwiches on the planet!!

Anyway, I went into the bathroom off the den (one of the few rooms with a mirror). I was washing my face and hands... and when I looked up... Well, let's just say SHE was there. No not Jess. HER!! I couldn't stop staring. She has such amazing long auburn hair and hypnotic amber eyes. I have just never seen anyone like her. I felt like I wanted to leap into the mirror and grab her!

Needless to say, by the time her image faded, I was enthralled beyond words. And no longer hungry. I grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge, sat in front of the fireplace in the den and drank.

Jessica came in to let me know dinner was ready, but... well, I was full.... with wine. Oh she was so angry. I must have been a bit drunk because, for all intense and purposes, I told her my secret. The whole thing!! Boy, was she pissed off! She stormed off and I have not seen her since.

So, tell me, what is it with women? I was honest! So, why is she mad at me?

I guess that means more left overs in the fridge.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Life on the Road

The tour is only a few weeks away now, and I am getting prepared to go back on the road. We will be touring from March to August abroad and then return to the USA. Our USA tour will run from October through January. After that, we will probably be back in the studio. Anyone who said life as a professional musician was easy obviously never did it. Tour buses, hotels, never knowing where you are from one place to the next. It's no wonder so many bands break up after only a short time. Music differences, personality clashes, drug issues, stress, a need for a "normal" life....!

But, no worries. We all get along fine (regardless of the occasional spat, which is normal). Bruce and I are best friends, despite being complete opposites. He is the reliable married faithful born again Christian, I am the playboy atheist (or, if you prefer, agnostic)... I mean, do you REALLY know what is out there?

In any event, after a couple bottles of wine and some other fun liquors, I listen to classical music and, yes, even opera.... Oh, don't be so surprised. Many of us hard rock musicians love classical music. I went to Julliard... top of my class, after all. Hell, where do you think Dark Myst got its sound?  Ok... mix 80's hard rock, classical orchestration and metal riffs, with some great vocals (not the screaming stuff) and you have ... well, us!

I am sure by now, if you have been following my blog, you think I am this sex crazed alcoholic. And you wouldn't be 100% wrong! I'm laughing right now... Aerosmith is blasting on the computer... what's an MP3 Player anyway? I AM a sex addicted alcoholic. SHHHH. Don't tell anyone. Bruce would have to have a "talk" with me. Oh man, these born-again Christians that are married.... they think their lives are the be all end all. So much he misses out on, man!!!

Time to open a 3rd bottle of wine! Yes!

You are probably wondering, if it's all that terrific... money and fame and girls and all... then why do we want to drink and do drugs? Let me tell you... it's ONLY a problem if it affects your music!  Nothing affects mine, and it won't.... When I go out on the stage, I am SOBER! You can bet the farm on that. I don't do any heavy drugs!! I just like some wine... liquors... just a bit each night. Makes seeing the "Mirror Lady" easier to handle in reality.  So... what's up with that anyhow?? I thought alcohol was supposed to remove delusions? So, why is she still there???

You answer this question!!!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Day, Jessica, Pythia and More

I stumbled upon a band/singer today that I really like (with Jessica's help in teaching me internet browsing and a place called YouTube). They are a British band, a little bit like my own band, but not as male oriented, not as orchestral, if that makes sense. In Dark Myst, we chose to be a bit different, and it's worked for us thus far. Me, with roots in classical and 80's glam rock, Bruce with his background in metal, and the others in hard rock and various other areas, we put our unique talents together and, well, came up with what I like to refer to as "Medieval Goth-Glam Orchestral Hard Rock/Metal."  Long name, huh? It has worked well for us as you know!  If I had to compare us, I'd say Aerosmith vs. KISS vs. Trans Siberian Orchestra with a whole bunch of original classic=based composition mixed in. Our hired orchestra consists mostly of stringed instruments (violin, viola, cello, even harp), and of course piano!  Then there's the 4 of us... your basic hard rock/heavy metal. Add our music, which bases its lyrics and sound around what to me sounds like the theme from an action scene in a fantasy movie. Ha ha. If you have seen our live show, you will understand more.

People love the "Goth" moniker added to the name and style, especially when they look at me. I wouldn't call myself Goth, but my silver-blue eyes and jet black hair give way to the stereotype, whether I like it or not... and since I wear the black costume onstage while the rest of the band wears white... well..... Most have to TRY to look like me. I feel like a freak! Ironic, huh?

Anyway, this band is called Pythia. Their female vocalist is pretty hot, but that's not why I like them. They have some really good songs in their line up. Hmmmm. Give them a listen.

In other news, Jessica and I had a bit of a disagreement today. Apparently, she thinks that if I sleep with another woman it's cheating on her and I think that, as long as it means nothing, it's just sex. She's just angry because she told me she loved me and I thanked her. What was I going to say? Did she want me to lie?

Friday, February 14, 2014

Music Soothes the Savage Breast

I think the expression is supposed to say "beast?" Not sure. I like breast personally. Yay, boobies.

Speaking of boobies, Jessica accompanied me to rehearsal again today. She has not left my side in weeks. And yet I can't complain. I've avoided mirrors except to shave (I look terrible in a beard). I don't need any more complications from she-who-must-not-be-named. Ok, I don't have a name for her except "Mirror Lady" so I can't name her anyway. Ha ha

The south is still reeling from this weather. Snow on the ground! Oooooooo! Connecticut where my parents live is getting hammered. Good thing they have a snow plow driver who comes to do all the snow removal. My mom is near 60 and my dad a couple years older. I know by today's standards that's not horrifically old, but I don't want anyone over exerting him or herself. They're my parents, after all.

When I lived home I did all the snow clearing. But SC to CT is too much of a haul to commute to clear snow. Plus, I even have my own snow removal crew. You try shoveling a 30 acre property estate that includes a long circular driveway and all the walks and drives to the stable and around the grounds. Didn't think I would have to worry about it when I moved down here.

Speaking of moving down south, did you know why? I think most fans KNOW why I live in SC. Did you know Bruce is from NYC? He was in a band up there, I was in a local band in CT and somewhere we met in the middle. By this time, he had heard that Cameron and Stephan were looking for a singer and guitarist for their band (they grew up together in SC), which they had started to make a name for down in the south where country is prevalent and they were rockers. So they stood out.

Bruce went down and joined them then called me. I left the band I was in (they were going nowhere... sorry fellas). I came down here to SC, everyone got together for a jam session and it just worked. They liked my ideas, I liked theirs and we were off. That was 9 years ago. Yeehaw.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Rehearsal for Tour, Cracking Voice, Strangeness and More

I took the limo out to the studio today for rehearsal for our upcoming tour, which starts in March. A few more weeks to prepare, which is good because my voice sounds like a crow on crack! Being ill has put quite a strain on it. I will get it back in shape before the tour. A bottle or two of wine tonight should aid it.

The roads and weather sucked. We have had snow and freezing rain and ice. At least our tour in March starts in Florida! Yeah, I know.... I am from the north. Still hate the snow and cold, and down here we get more ice than snow. The limo driver was pretty reliable, however, and got us to the studio and back safely (us being myself and Jessica).

When I got home, I found that a fan had sent me all these really cool images she had made of me. I'll show them to you.....

1. This one's kinda cool if you ask me. It shows me in a really vivid black and white. My eyes look creepy, more than usual....

2. This one is made to look like a really old photo.  For some reason, this one is my favorite. It feels almost "natural" if that makes sense (of course it doesn't). You know I am stuck in a past before I was born).

3. Hah! Night vision! Is this how all those girls see me in bed at night? LOL

4.   Not too sure about this one. Purple freaking out! My eyes look more crazy than normal.

5. This one's kinda cool. At least I don't look like a freak with my silver-blue eyes glowing out at everyone!

6. CRAZY! Look at those eyes. And fans wonder why I wear brown contact lenses a lot when I am out and about.... I know they always compliment my "unusual and striking" eyes, it made me a freak growing up.

7. And I thought the LAST one was freaky!

Let me know if you like any of these. THANK YOU to the loyal fan who sent them. I can tell she did a lot of work to make all of these for me. I love you... I love all my fans!

Take care and be safe!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Southern Snow and Stomach Flu

It has been awhile since I posted and I apologize for that. Life has become so crazy. Not that that's any different than normal for me. After the tour bus crash, I came home to rest, plus 10 stitches in my head... thank heavens it was on the hairline and easily covered by my hair. A scar would look terrible.

Anyhow, a little over a week ago I got very ill. Some stomach bug I think. Jessica (remember her?) has been staying here, and taking care of me since the accident. Once a girl has held your hair while you puke, there's not much left to hide. She really has been wonderful.

On the home front, we've been having some crazy weather down here in the south. I am accustomed to snow and ice, since I am a CT Yankee replanted into the south. But the folks down here are not so keen on it. I have not lived in the north in almost 10 years. I must say I don't miss the cold and I certainly don't miss the snow.

There were many accidents in Georgia and some around here as well. Did you see on the news how many got trapped and had to abandon their cars?

I admit it was pretty outside my windows, and since I am stuck in the house anyway (not that I have been a good boy and followed all of the doctor's rules), I enjoyed watching it as I ran a fire in the fireplace and cuddled with Jess on the sofa in the main den.

It's cold and raining here right now.  It is ok by me, Jessica is already asleep in bed and I will head there soon.

Y'all be safe now!!