Being Sick, Being Bummed.

I am still sick. Since it's moved into my throat, I can't sing. There's nothing more disconcerting to a singer than opening their mouth only to have a squeak come out. More rest. About the only thing I did today, besides work on my music (on the piano, no singing), was to spend some time with my horses. I also went out for a bit to the store to get some wine, vodka and tequila, though I have not touched a drop in 2 days. I have spent far too much time in the bathroom due to all the tea I've been consuming. And honey. I think I can keep the honey market in business. I tried it heated, which is very soothing.

To add insult to injury, I opened a magazine and saw a photo of my ex, Jessica.  I felt a sudden sadness and emptiness. When she lived here, the house seemed full and my bed never empty. I did not even realize I missed her. But it's times like this when the house is so empty and I am alone (other than a bunch of cats). God, how pathetic is that? Coming up on my 30th birthday and I am already an old crazy cat lady!! That was another thing Jessica and I did together. As both animal people, we helped shelters, did charities and rescued cats.

She took her two cats when she left but I still have my six. And my dog. He's always at my side and I adore my pets, but Jessica was a much better conversationalist.

I guess I was so angry at her for leaving, I let myself forget. I can't say I am in love with her. I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't know! But if I have to describe love, then what I felt for Jessica came close.

Well, my throat had better heal within the next few days. We have much rehearsing to do and I need to be able to sing!

I may not want to admit it, but I do miss Jessica.

I wish I could see her again. If only to understand where we went wrong. Okay, I get it, I slept with other women, but in my defense, Jessica was just a girl I was sleeping with who moved into my house. I had no intentions beyond a roommate with amazing benefits. Maybe I made a mistake.

New Book Store, Life on the Road and Sex

Sex always gets people reading. I can't blame them. It's the greatest thing on earth. But y'a ll already know who I am and that, besides music, my next biggest hobby is sex.

And I love to read. Especially history books. Well, tomorrow is the grand opening of a new music and bookstore here in S.C. (despite the bad weather of late. T-Storms today, lots of flash flood warnings). It also happens to be the release date of Dark Myst's new CD. I plan to visit the store for some new books. With a few tour dates coming up,  I will need some reading material. The others get on my ass about the amount of books I bring on the bus, but I have not embraced those 21st century e-readers yet.

This will be a complete bus tour.  It is short--a continuation of the summer's tour--only a month and a half.  I am not crazy about spending over a month on the road, new city EVERY night, not having a decent bath at a hotel. But, we won't have time for hotels in this particular tour. It's the bus all the way. Since Bruce made sure we have a brand new bus for just the four of us, I am hoping he also ordered a decent shower. I prefer baths, but one cannot be picky on the road.

Buses can have luxuries. Showers are rarely good. 

I miss home, I miss my animals, but look forward to traveling. Sometimes I get more rest on the road than I do at home. When home it's all work, recording, getting everything ready, marketing, etc. On the road, it's mostly sitting around while driving from state to state, watching movies, reading, talking, planning and playing games. You'd be surprised how much silence there can be with just the four of us on one bus. We are often engrossed in our own interests, warming up, going over songs, writing songs, texting (the others more than me), watching movies and reading (that would be me).

I spend a lot of time in my bunk, getting rest. I like to relax in there in private, curtain closed, and read or watch a movie. Or take a nap. I like to be very prepared and awake, but the drone of the road makes me tired.

Since Bruce banned fans on our bus while moving, I have to get in what I can when I can in my bunk. Not always a comfortable situation. But sex anywhere is better than none. I do prefer hotels.

Our new bus has many comforts and luxuries we didn't have before, so I am rather excited to travel in it. I have not even seen it yet. I guess there's a nice lounge in the back with a big HDTV and all the stations we could want. Good. I like to watch fantasy movies and certain TV shows. I am not a big fan of "reality TV" except this show called "My Cat From Hell" with this interesting character, who claims to be a musician by night and a cat behaviorist by day!

Well, off to bed. I have a song to finish that Bruce wants to put on the set list for the tour. I have a few changes I have to remember to the rider as well (for those who are confused, the rider is a list of those things we band members want on the road... food and such).

Check us out on tour!!!

Monday is the Day

Adrian came back from...well, wherever it is he goes. We asked him about the photo, which I mentioned in my last post. He said the guy in the photo was "just a friend" he went to visit, whom he had not seen in a long time!

I don't know... doesn't look like a casual encounter to me.  He said they traveled around Romania and Europe just to experience the sights. I know it is hard to be a tourist when one is on the road working all the time. We go into a town and barely have time to breathe and sleep before showtime, then it is off to the next city. Adrian stated, in his "Dracula" type accent, that he likes to "get away from it and just be a person."

He did do a bit of a photo shoot over there, here is one photo he allowed us:

Looks a bit sketchy to me. I told him it looks as if he's heading into a hot tub with his male friend. Hah!  Who am I to talk? My ass has been published everywhere. It should bring us publicity, at least in Romania where the shoot was, and as a musician, one can never have too much publicity. You're only as good as your last album. In this day and age, if you even slow down on marketing, branding and promoting, you're gone. It's constant work. Your label does some work, but you have to be behind it pushing at all times.

I have heard, esp from Bruce, what it was like 20 year ago or so.... You  put out an album, toured to promote it and voila! You were a star!  Ok, maybe not that easy. But simpler than today!

Today, all these "indie" musicians are home making CD's and putting them online to buy. I have no problem with that, it's that anyone, no matter how much they stink, can record a CD. If they tour around enough to advertise, they eventually make a name for themselves and then they eventually become famous, even to a small extent.  Rarely are bands "discovered" into instant success. I say that only because we were sort of "discovered" seven years ago. We worked our asses off for it though. We all have fantastic musical backgrounds and we all have tremendous talent. Plus, we put on an amazing show. It's not just about the music, it's about the show! I have a really hard time with these bands that look like they stepped in off the street and just stand there onstage and play. Their music can be good, but with nothing to watch, I get bored. They need more than music. They need a gimick, a show!!

I  think I might start a grant fund for up and coming good musicians to be "discovered" and skip all the red tape.

Accident, Mirror Lady and Band News

So much going on right now, I don't know where to start. You will have to excuse me, it's been a rough week and I have drunk more than my normal dose of wine tonight. It is amazing I can type. Anyway... someone plowed into the rear of my Jaguar today!  There was a bit of fog. I was stopped waiting for the truck in front of me to turn when I heard the crunch and felt the jolt. No one was injured. My car took a bit of damage in the right rear bumper, but the other guy's insurance will cover it.

In other news, I was reminded today why I stay away from mirrors. She came to visit again today... it was as if she knew I had been in an accident, and even though I wasn't hurt at all, the stress of going through all this insurance bullshit is a pain. Now I must rely on the new Ferrari and that car is not always practical to drive wherever I wish to go.

The band is recording again, but I cannot tell you what we are recording, as all of it will be on the next CD. This will be the 2015 tour. Like I mentioned before, we have a few more U.S. dates in December then we take the holidays off. Adrian always returns to Romania for the holidays, Bruce spends it with Caitlyn, Stephan has his mom, dad and siblings. Me... I usually go back to Connecticut and spend time with my mom and dad. And that is what I will do this year. I leave the 21st and return back here the 30th.

I have a few concerts I want to see while I am in New England. Small time stuff, indie musicians and bands. Amazing how much talent is yet to be discovered. If no one was ever "discovered" who would make it?

Heartbreak!

Jessica left me tonight!  I feel such an ache in my heart yet I understand her reasons for doing so... Such a terrible day! The band's been arguing, so much going on before our tour.... Then I come home to catch her with a man. She said he was her cousin! Yeah right. Without saying a word, I walked away and went upstairs. Jessica came up a short time later.

        “What's wrong?” she asked calmly.

        “Where is he?" I sat on the bed, staring at the door.

         “He left. I told him we needed to talk.”

         “There's nothing to say!”

        She approached me and sat about two feet away. "Dane, I’ve never seen you like this."

        I stood quickly and turned to her. “And I've never seen you with another man before!”

        She rose as well. "I told you he was my cousin. You don't believe me?"

        "Frankly. No!”

        “How dare you!” she screamed in my face. “This coming from a man who screws every woman he meets!”

What sucks most? I slapped her. I've never hit a woman and never fathomed it.

 She left a note on my mirror, the mirror in my bedroom on the antique bureau.... I am feeling so confused right now, and the 3 bottles of wine I have consumed in the last hour have taken their toll. The note is an enigma; something about looking beyond the mirror to see who I really am. Whatever that means!

Perhaps she was tired of my "Mirror Lady," whom I have seen several times this month! Perhaps it was the women she has found photos and videos of... ones recently "conquered," as I call it? What do I do now? Did I love her? I can't answer that question. Life is very complicated. Relationships even more so!

So many question, so few answers. I lose myself in wine and music now!

September 1st we go to Europe to start the next leg of our tour. Then, back to the USA in November for a few more gigs. Home at the end of December. Hopefully, this will keep my mind off Jess.

Funny thing is, here I am, world renowned, famous rock star, women want me, yet I have never felt more alone. Having delusions my entire life (that have yet to be diagnosed despite all the best therapists) doesn't help. The note Jess left me... all about mirrors, about the "Mirror Lady" and about seeing myself. I keep reading it, trying to understand what it all means.

I read about the suicide of comedian Robin Williams. He was one of my favorite comedic actors. Now I feel as if I understand why he killed himself!  I have my music, but where is it going? I have all the money I could ever want or need! I have done it all at a young age, but what do I really have? Meaningless sexcapades? Now, no one waiting for me to come home! I fear gazing into any mirror.... she confuses me. Yet I feel deeply. Something is there! She's a mere delusion. Nothing! A figment of my messed up mind.

I've been having nightmares lately... the few times I do sleep. Usually I am struggling in them, on the edge of death yet somehow hanging on! Yet I wake wondering. Why hang on? Life is too confusing! But I won't give up yet. People look up to me, though why I do not know. I am a public figure. I need to be an inspiration! You haven't a clue the pressure that puts on a person!

Pre-Tour and Band Pranks

Sorry for the long wait in writing. The band is busy with our "pre-tour." Everyone knows by now that Bruce, the born-again buzz kill, has banned fans from our tour bus! At least when he is in it. ha ha.

Anyway, as we cruise down 64 in West Virginia, by now all the other band members are asleep, I have a bit of a story to tell you all, my great and loyal fans. Yeah, ok, so I have had a few drinks. Trust me, it gets me through and helps me sleep. At least I avoid drugs, like Meth or Heroin. What's wrong with a couple Slippery Nipples (haha, I can think of some damn good things I can do with nipples)....?

Yesterday, after we finished with our small concert (which, by the way got a raving reception. Our new songs are getting grand reviews), and headed back out on the road (sometimes these "pre-tours" (Bruce's idea) can be more pain-staking than the real thing... we don't stay, we don't stop). It's rather like touring when we were a small band trying to make our way in music. Grueling!

Anyway, I decided since Bruce was remaining in the venue to go over some instrumentals and choral review with the others, I'd slip back to the tour bus with the latest hottie I met at the concert. I tend to like dark hair, unlike most who love the bleached blondes. I like all natural (no fake boobs, thank you). She seemed nice enough. Her name.... oh damn, I can't remember.

Anyway, I brought her to my bunk, intending on a bit of "release" after the concert when I saw something on my bunk that was not mine. Adrian's damn technological reading machine called a "Kindle." It was on and open to some book about a whore of 80's rock.... open to the chapter on this 15 year old chick losing her virginity in 1980 to Billy Squire.A quick peak told me this girl had screwed just about ever musician in the 1980's.

Kinda put a damper on my evening. I don't know yet what Adrian was trying to prove. I tossed the reading machine back in HIS bunk and had a really good time with... oh damn....what was her name...? 

Once back on the road, Adrian explained to me that this book had reminded him of me on the road... any girl at any "port."  I told him I was fine and needed no intervention. My sex life was just fine, thank you. It was then he reminded me of Jessica. She and I had hit it off pretty well and we were, well, dating. But, she wasn't there and I saw no reason not to indulge. We weren't married after all.

Would you say no??

Dazed and Confused

I feel like a page from a Led Zeppelin memoir. "Dazed and confused for so long it's not true..." What is true and what is delusion?  "Wanted a woman, never bargained for you..." So, who did I bargain for? Jessica, whose company I enjoy, who is music to my eyes... Or HER... the mystery woman who seems to grasp hold of my heart as well as my sanity every time I see her?

I saw her again today. I really have to learn to avoid mirrors more, but it's rather hard to shave and groom oneself without that stupid reflective piece of glass!

I wasn't even home this time, however. I was with the band, recording at a studio in Charleston. I went to the little boy's room and when I was washing my hands, I looked up into the mirror.

"Aw Fresh Hell!!"

She looked beautiful. Not that exotic, big breasted beautiful like Jessica. Actually, this lady, who seems as familiar to me as seeing myself, is plain in comparison. But her extraordinary long auburn hair hung in a single braid pulled to the front and she wore a blue tunic that looked like something from a Documentary on the Middle Ages. It was belted tight over a very slender waist. As a matter of fact, she is quite petite. But, every time I see her, I am lost. I am gone. I cease to exist. I have no idea who I become, but it's not the me I am accustomed to seeing.

So, now, I have Jessica, a physical flesh and blood woman I seem to be hitting it off with quite well, and then this... delusion? But how can a man feel for a delusion? All I know is that I have some thinking to do. I don't quite know what it is I need to think about, but the confusion in my mind and the tornado of emotion running through me tell me I cannot just let this go.

Wish me luck!

No regrets?

This weekend was a very strange one. I stayed with my parents in CT for the holiday weekend.  While out running an errand for my mother Saturday afternoon, I was standing in line at the convenience store. I should mention going out in public can be a hassle, even in the small town where I grew up--especially in the small town. Everyone knows everyone!

Anyway, I had my hair tied back, a baseball cap on my head (Red Sox of course), sunglasses and a full winter jacket with the collar pulled up. While I waited in line with bread and milk for my mother, I heard someone behind me clear their throat. I didn't turn around. I wasn't even sure it wasn't an actual throat clearing.

Then I heard a female voice. "Dane?" Oh boy! Though she did not sound like a fan. They generally address me as, "Oh my GOD, you're Dane Bainbridge!"

I turned around. Behind me stood a very pretty blonde. Even beneath her bulky winter clothes, I could see she was quite fit. I prefer brunettes, or red heads to blondes (unless they are real blondes).  I smiled. "Hello."

"You don't recognize me," she said and a frown did not look good on her pretty face.

Uh oh! I had to search my memory and fast. I meet so many women, I cannot be expected to remember them all, can I?

"It's me," she said, "Tracy!"

Tracy... Tracy... Hmm...  Holy crap! THE Tracy? I had not seen her since I was 18 years old. I had been dating her best friend, who coincidentally, happened to be named Traci but with an "i."  Tracy was one of many regrets I had in life. Though I loved Traci, she was average, a little bit overweight, and I didn't have the highest confidence back then (what man who is delusional and sees people in mirrors would be?) Okay, forget I said that!

In any event, fantasies of Tracy got me through many a night, whether I was in bed with Traci, or alone. I may sound shallow, and maybe I am, but looks matter to me. I think they matter to everyone to some extent, but most people aren't willing to admit it. And so my girlfriend's best friend became my "food for fodder" so to speak.

Long story short, after we paid for our items, we stood outside the convenience store in the cold, damp air and talked. It turns out, she felt the same about me. I confessed my "sin" of wanting so badly to... fu*& her. But I felt she was too good for me. Now, she admitted felt the same about me, but didn't want to hurt her best friend (who, incidentally, she no longer has much contact with).

But it was too late now. She was married, loyally, and had 2 children. We parted ways with regret in our hearts for a past that could have been, but was gone now never to return.

Needless to say, my next stop was the liquor store and I spent last night getting drunk and trying not to think about what I could have had.

Is there a moral to this story? I guess there is, but it's for you to figure out what's the moral in your own life.

Oh look at me, Dane the philosopher.